When I conduct an initial assessment with a new client, I always ask questions to get a general idea of their current stress level. First, I ask the client how they perceive their environment as stressful: minimal, average, moderate or extreme. I then ask four more questions, dealing with their everyday lives, which give me a little more insight:
How often do you bring work home from the office?
How often do you find yourself “on the run”?
How often do you find yourself arriving late for appointments?
How often do you take scheduled vacations?
The client answers these questions from “never or hardly ever”, to “sometimes”, to “always or nearly always”.
It’s interesting to me that most women will initially indicate their stress level is “average”; but their answers to the four questions will undoubtedly show me they are closer to the “extreme” level. Most work both inside and outside the home, are on the run constantly, often show up late, and rarely get away from their regular routine.
It usually isn’t long into our conversation before I see all they really must do to juggle everything going on in their lives. It reminds me of the circus act, where the performer spins plates on top of poles. He dashes madly from pole to pole, spinning and running, running and spinning. Just as one plate begins to slow precariously, he arrives just in time to avoid the crash, only to dash off again to keep the next plate from falling. And now, my new client is trying to squeeze exercise into an already crowded life. Just one more plate to spin.
Sound familiar?
Why are so many of our lives this way? And what can be done to stop it? I believe many people have trouble with one very simple word. It’s one of the smallest, yet most powerful words in the English language.
“No.”
Sure, we say it when our toddler is about to touch something hot. We say it when the dog is digging through the trash. We use it frequently with our teenagers, who want do to what everyone else is doing. It’s easy to use when it involves someone else’s actions. It comes out almost effortlessly when it involves protecting someone.
So, Why don’t we use it for ourselves?
I speak through experience. When I first began my business, I was training clients during a particularly busy time. I was many days leaving the house before sunrise, and arriving again well after dark. I was training my clients back-to-back, without breaks for anything else except paperwork. After a few weeks of this, I found myself snapping at my husband and son, not eating well, and felt rushed and angry most of the time. After one particularly harrowing day, my husband sat me down and said, “You know, you own your own business. You’re the boss. You’re the one in control. You don’t have to schedule clients so that you don’t even have time to eat, or get in your own workouts, or take care of other things that are important.” Why did I not see that for myself? That day was a turning point for me.
As women, we have so much to give and do. It’s inherent that we give to others. We want to please. We want others to like, respect and admire us. And, we have trouble saying “no”. But, our lives should be more than just spinning the plates. Because we refuse to use the word, so many of us are left feeling frazzled, frustrated, angry and resentful.
I heard Cher say once that she weighed her choices based on whether what she was about to do would matter in five years. Now, Cher may not be the most profound woman on the planet; but just think for a moment about everything in which you and your family are involved. Is all of it really necessary? Will it matter that your kids participate in four different sports each? Will it really matter that you have all the home and yard decorations just right for every season and holiday? In how many clubs, organizations, boards, ministries and committees does one person really need to belong? How many times have you said, “yes” to something you really didn’t want to do? The next time someone asks you to become involved in something, or tries to throw yet one more project in your lap, ask yourself: Will it matter in five years? Do I really want to do this? Do I have time, energy and passion for it? If not, say “No”.
If you don’t already have one, get yourself a daily planner, which lists each day, down to the hour. Include all your activities, and the activities for your family in which you are directly involved. Every day, schedule yourself time to do something just for you. Everything else is in pencil, but your time needs to be written in ink. I have one client, to whom I’ve introduced the concept of “no”, that actually writes it -- “NO!” -- in big letters across the page of his planner. When someone calls in a panic, requesting his services during time he’s scheduled for himself, he says, “I’m not available during that time”. It is easier to say “no”, when your time is already written down as allotted for something else. That allotted time can be to just sit and read a book, or play with the kids, pursue your passion, or watch the grass grow – it’s your time, do what you want.
Schedule time for exercise. Many women, especially new mothers and those who work outside the home, feel they cannot take this time for themselves because it is in some way neglectful toward their children. Not so. In fact, the time you spend exercising will not only strengthen your body; but will reap you benefits, mentally, as well. Just 30 – 60 minutes of exercise, away from your children, will boost your metabolism, produce endorphins, and clear your mind. You’ll be better for it, and so will your children. You’re teaching them that taking time for oneself is important; and you’re setting a good example of how to take care of your body and mind.
Today, I challenge you to incorporate “no” into your vocabulary for your own health and well-being. You are the boss of you, and most of what goes on around you. You’re the one in control of your physical and mental health. Most of your life is not a result of what happens to you, but is a result of the choices you make for yourself.
“No.”
It’s a small, but powerful word.
The Power of "No"